Ever seen a team celebrate record-high velocity while customers quietly vanish? This satirical fable will make you laugh, cringe, and maybe rethink what you measure next sprint.

The Velocity Cult

(A modern corporate fable about rewarding A while hoping for B)

Let me tell you about Sophie.

She joined bright-eyed, caffeinated, and carrying just enough imposter syndrome to fit right in.

Day one, her manager pointed at the wall-sized Jira dashboard glowing with KPI green.
“See that number? That’s velocity. Make it go up.”

Clear goal. No ambiguity.

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Sprint 1

She closed a few tickets.
Velocity ticked up. People clapped.
The Slack bot posted confetti.
A colleague created a “#velocity-wins” channel.

It felt good.
Addictive, even.

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Sprint 2

Sophie refined her craft.

Her masterpiece:

• “Fix typo” — 5 pts
• “Document ‘fix typo’” — 2 pts
• “Think about fixing typo” — 1 pt

Velocity spiked.
The dashboard glowed a confident green.
Leadership was thrilled.

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Sprint 3

Sophie published The Art of Story Hygiene.
It taught teams to slice work into units completable before lunch.
There was a brief philosophical appendix: “Naming Is Doing.”

Someone asked about customer outcomes.
Sophie opened a ticket: “Investigate outcomes — 8 pts.”
It spawned: “Document outcomes — 5 pts.”
Then: “Discuss documentation — 3 pts.”

Customers remained unchanged.
Velocity did not.

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Sprint 4

She built a Slack bot that chimed “+5 Velocity!” when a ticket closed.
Fireworks were added.
Then a leaderboard.
Then Velocity Awards.

The office printer jammed on certificates.
Product value: trending negatively.
Morale: trending delightfully.

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Sprint 6

A new engineer asked, “Shouldn’t we focus on outcomes?”

Silence.

Sophie smiled the way you smile at a toddler holding a knife.
“Outcomes aren’t measurable every sprint,” she said. “Velocity is.”

The bot chimed.
He did not ask again.

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Sprint 10

Automation arrived.
A script split stories by keyword.
A macro re-opened and re-closed tickets for… reliability.

Velocity reached orbit.
The CTO praised their “process maturity.”
Marketing announced features the product didn’t have.

Sophie opened a ticket: “Add missing features (research) — 13 pts.”
Progress recorded.

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Sprint 52

Velocity doubled, then tripled.
Cupcakes decorated with burndown charts were served.
A director called them “a model of consistency.”
Customers called support.

Sophie was promoted to teach Velocity Discipline across the org.
She launched a new bot: VelociRaptor.
It roared when tickets closed.
People loved the roar.

Then, one quiet afternoon, the product was sunset.
No one noticed.
The board was still green.

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Epilogue

Sophie kept a screenshot of the final dashboard.
She titled it “Proof of Success.”

The company filed it under “Post-Mortem Exhibit A.”

Months later, somewhere else, a manager pointed to a fresh dashboard and told a new hire:
“See that number? Make it go up.”

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Moral

If your people don’t share the vision, they’ll follow the metric.
If you reward activity while hoping for impact, you’ll get activity – industrial-grade.

As Steven Kerr warned in his classic, “On the Folly of Rewarding A While Hoping for B,” reward A while hoping for B, and you’ll get more A and less B.

So stop rewarding points.
Point at purpose instead.

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FAQ

Q: Is “The Velocity Cult” based on a true story?
A: Only every sprint, everywhere.

Q: What’s the real lesson here?
A: People don’t optimize for what you want – they optimize for what you measure. Align metrics with meaning, or watch your teams build dashboards to nowhere.

Q: How can we avoid becoming Sophie’s company?
A: Stop rewarding A while hoping for B. Define outcomes. Share purpose. And remember: agility without vision is just efficiency in the wrong direction.

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Explore further:
👉 Agile Coach Evolution Masterclass – build the kind of leadership that keeps metrics human.

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